First… there’s a difference between being a negative person, being a pragmatic person, and being an angry person. I don’t want to come across as a negative person, but I’m sure that will happen because: I AM a pragmatic person, and, yeah, the anger of dreams unfulfilled have made me a “little” angry.
Also, being pragmatic is directly at odds with my heart that is romantically inclined, a dreamer, schemer, artistic entity. This dichotomy of self is a great piece of what has made me the anxiety riddled adult you read about here! But, it’s me.
So yeah, I’m not negative, I just prefer to handle my over-reaching heart by being logical and methodical in approach to what hair brained ideas that heart (soul?) comes up with. If you scratch the surface, you’ll see that I struggle not to be Pollyanna because my version of The Glad Game often leaves me too hopeful and dreamy. There’s nothing wrong with these things, as long as you can handle disappointment. I can’t.
So, here we are. I’m currently finding my pragmatic brain at war with my daydreaming heart and the result is that I’m annoyed by the hope that just.won’t.stop.
I’m doing premature shit like creating a Nameberry account, thinking about decorating and colors. I find my heart over-analyzing every twinge and temperature reading. HOPE has me daydreaming that my maybe-baby is already growing and taking root (without medical intervention!). And it’s annoying.
It’s annoying because it would be a fuckin’ miracle to have conceived this cycle. Like, seriously. I don’t know how much to share, but essentially the SA test would have to have been at least wrong a little bit and ovulation would have had to be about one day earlier than I think it was. Yeah, miracles happen… but so far in my life, I have not seen too many as it relates to myself. Miracles happen, just not to me.
But there it is… HOPE. It has me looking at that temperature dip yesterday and wondering. It has me trying to figure out if that belly ache is just nerves. HOPE makes me daydream that the discomfort in the vicinity of my uterus is the organ starting its stretching to accommodate what will be growing. It has me wondering if maybe this month the phenomenon of losing water weight mid-month might not be that first “sign” that a miracle IS happening.
ANNOYING HOPE! There’s no rhyme or reason to my temperature chart right now, that wasn’t an “implantation dip”… it was more likely my body getting ready to start my period early because despite a bump up this morning, I’m still below the cover line. I always pee like a race-horse at this point in the cycle. Cramps/discomfort are further evidence that my period could be a few days early this month. And, thanks to the anxiety disorder, I’ve had a stomach ache pretty much always since I was six years old.
See… pragmatic. I’m not negative, I swear. I’m just trying to get my run away heart reined back in.
Then again, maybe- just maybe- this will be the day that God says I *do* deserve a miracle.