It’s morning, here in Washington and I’m in a little limbo.  My mind is all over the place.  I still have that annoying (scary) HOPE that a miracle might be inside me even now, but I’m also thinking about all the reasons that can’t possibly be.  One of the big reasons is that me and Partner are… well… big.

I’ve alluded to this already, so it’s probably not a surprise.  I’m considered “morbidly obese” and some health professionals and asshats on the street look at Partner and just wonder how he’s alive much less functioning.  The thing of it is, our medical issues are limited to the extra weight we carry.  Both of us have excellent blood pressure, cholesterol in check, no diabetes.  We have jobs that keep us sedentary and very full professional lives that keep us on our toes.

Three years ago, we had weight loss surgery.  I dropped about 200lbs but have (not unexpectedly) regained about 10%.  The process did not work for Partner.

My fertility doctor was super supportive.  She broached the idea of me dropping that 10%, or working on it at least, not because she feels I need to, but she wants to keep me out of “high risk” categories as much as possible where I’d could be put despite how far I’ve come.  I really appreciated that.  Expected it even.  Her kindness and supportive approach meant the world to me though and makes it an easier “pill” to swallow.

So, here I am.  Starting to diet- a frustrating idea when I have already altered my body and am at my adolescent weight.  Partner, so far, does not have to, but he may just because I pack his lunch and prepare a majority of the meals  :).  I downloaded an app that tracks my distance walked and estimates calorie burn.  I swapped out my morning toast for a meal replacement shake.  Lunch is now a protein blend of veggies and quinoa.  Snacks are going back to the good stuff- string cheese, grapes, a handful of trail mix if I *need* the sweet… jell-o type cups, you get it.  I was tempted to try an over the counter “quick” weight loss supplement, but they’re full of caffeine usually and that ingredient alone is apparently a no-no for trying to conceive and during pregnancy.  I need to work in more water, too… but I hate water.  I’ll do it though.  Really, these are all positive habits anyway- good now and good when raising a family.

I grocery shop and am tempted by all the “bad” stuff… my mantra is, “I want a baby more than I want XYZ.”  It’s working in general.

Of course, it’s been 24 hours!  LOL

I’m thinking about this litany because 10 years ago I was basically told to come back for help getting pregnant when I was height-weight proportionate.  I was met with derision and judgement.  There’s a modern idea that fat women can’t carry.  Indeed, that fat people can’t do a lot of things.

I hold on to the idea that fat women have been having children since the beginning of recorded time.  Ever heard of the Venus of Willendorf?  That shit doesn’t come from nowhere…

Maybe I’ll be the next fluffy momma?  In the mean time, I’ll shut up and try to tell myself that this meal replacement shake tastes great.  Fake it ’till you make it!


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