I wrote this on The Book of Face last night:
Hurry up and wait… it’s the way of our world it seems. But I gotta live in the moment or forget to live at all in the time between “now” and “then”. Too much life wasted when I am impatient. Indeed, Monday looms large and I must be mindful so the day is more than just a day… all the days have potential if they are appreciated for their moments.
It’s disturbingly easy to sound positive there, spew back to the world all the conventional wisdom that I am angry with… and hide what’s really going on in my corner of the world. I wish I could shout from the mountain tops what it is I am attempting… but I can’t. I’ve told enough confidants what’s going on that retelling the tale will become anticlimactic at some point… or drive the knife in farther if there’s pain.
For now though, I’m a Lady in Waiting.
I’m waiting for Mother Nature, the Queen, to take her course– and drag me along with her. I feel like I’m carrying her cloak, and I can’t see the way ahead for all it’s splendor and size to heft. All I can do is get dragged along behind and deal with the aftermath, trying to keep up and keep my wits about me. Queen Nature does not like her Ladies in Waiting to appear ruffled and unsure; we put on a brave face and march on with her.
I’m waiting for my period to start.
I’m waiting for my period to NOT start.
I’m waiting for the next SA.
I’m waiting for the HSG.
I’m waiting for God to share his divine plan with me.
I’m waiting to feel like I have a better purpose in life.
I’m waiting to pee on a stick and be surprised.
I’m waiting for my Heart to finally grow hard and Hope to die.
I’m waiting for my heart to tell my brain to shut the fuck up.
I gave in to my impatience in the wee hours of Saturday morning and peed on a stupid stick. I was not shocked that the little + didn’t appear. Really, it was too early- especially with a cheap test kit. But I admit, there was a big piece of me that hoped for a miracle.
I admit, there’s a big piece of me that hopes for a miracle still.
Who will pick up Mother Nature’s cloak for me, take my place in the world, when I fall to pieces and can’t carry on? Because, today, I’m very afraid that I will fall and not get back up.