Geeze, girlfriend. I need to lighten up if I’m going to make it through this journey intact. And really, I DO want to come out the other side as a whole person.
So, what to do? How about document the alphabet soup of acronyms and euphemisms that is trying to conceive! And see how many new snarky things we can come up with?! Feel free to comment so the lists can grow.
In no particular order…
- TTC= trying to conceive. Grabbing the Stork. Baby Crazies.
- Cycle= the time between when a period begins and ends. See “AF”.
- AF= Aunt Flo/w. The bitch that brings cramps, bleeding, an no babies when she visits. Though, strangely, we hope she shows up on a somewhat predictable schedule. Yeah, she’s a bitch.
- Period= see AF, Cycle.
- TWW= two week wait. Hurry up and wait.
- POAS= Pee on a stick. This is done to test for ovulation prediction and pregnancy. We get pretty fucking excited about POAS time.
- DTD= do the dance. Practice. Sex. Intercourse. Getting ejaculate (and hopefully sperm) from point a to point b.
- Eggs= What the lady contributes to the baby making party. If all systems are go, she pops one each month that will hopefully meet up with a swimmer (see sperm).
- Swimmer= SPERM! There, I said it. SPERM SPERM SPERM. The dude’s contribution to the genetic soup that becomes an infant.
- IUI= Intrauterine Injection. AKA artificial insemination. A catheter is used to put the swimmers further up into the uterus than regular DTD can offer, increasing chances of the egg and swimmers meeting to conceive.
- Uterus= pear-shaped organ that “nurtures life” or kills dreams depending on a variety of conditions that are or are not met.
- Egg Baskets= Ovaries! The hen house. The cradle of life (gag). Where the lady’s genetic material lurks from birth to menopause… all of the little cells dreaming of they day they meet their Prince Charming swimming along one day. Yeah, gag.
- Cervix= Chastity Belt of the Reproductive System. If your cervix ain’t happy, you ain’t happy. That little fucker and it’s position, mucus (gag) quality, and opening will be the first factor in successful conception… unless you bypass it with IUI! HAH! I’ve got a key for that lock, damn it.
- BFP= what you hope for when you POAS. “Big Fat Positive.” And I’m not talking about a weight issue for once. It’s the little line on a stick or blood test result that says a bun is in the oven.
- BFN= no joy in Mudville. See BFP and go opposite.
- SA= Sperm Analysis. Someone help me out here… I need a cheeky explanation for this!
- IVF= In-vitro Fertilization. The last stop on the journey to carry a child for many couples. Also known as Test Tube Babies. I call it Asking For Bankruptcy and Highway Robbery. It costs the same as a small economy car, purchased new off the lot. EACH CYCLE. Not an option in my world!
Fun Fact… it’s been proven that it’s easier for a human embryo (the result of an egg and swimmer meeting up) to implant and begin growing in the flesh of a *mouse’s ear)* than it is for one to get comfy and settled in the human uterus.