Running full, on empty.

That’s how I feel… running full, but the indicator still says empty.  My days feel busy, but hollow.  My body is in limbo but the thoughts are swirling in a barely-controlled mess making me feel anxious and full in the mind.

  • I’m not a stellar housekeeper… cat fuzz and dust bunnies compete for space.  Will our Maybe Baby be okay?
  • The room that is a would-be nursery is currently called the “room of no return”… I need to shovel it out and purge.
  • It’s still SIX DAYS until we see our doctor to get the official results of my HSG and Partner’s negative sperm analysis.  Six days more until we can tell her we know what we want to do.
  • I want to get started picking a donor… but what if we learn something at our doctor appointment next week that dashes the expectation of using a donor and, thus, ANY chance of having a baby?
  • I stumbled on a list of tick marks to have done before insemination can happen, at our clinic’s website.  It feels overwhelming and time-consuming.  September’s already a bust, I thought October would be our gear up month and November would be the first cycle…
  • I need to lose weight.  Three pounds down so far.  I’ll drop more in about a week, I always do mid-cycle.
  • How can we afford day care?
  • I’m not a morning person and I get wonky when I’ve had no sleep.
  • I can’t run… what the hell will I do with a toddler?!
  • I’m too old for this… but I’m the late in life child of a late in life child of a late in life child– clearly, people do it all the time.
  • Fuck the day care… we can’t afford to GET pregnant.
  • My house is a mess- wait, did I already say that?
  • God, my house is a mess… I know, I already said that.  Why am I nesting before I’m even pregnant?
  • It’s not fair.  But no one promised it would be.
  • What if this is all for nothing?  I don’t want to fall apart.  Maybe Baby is the glue to my soul’s purpose.  An existential crisis will do me no good.
  • What does a mid-life crisis look like?
  • I want to sleep until next Thursday.  Waiting is life on pause.
  • My house is a disaster area and I will be an unfit mother.
  • What if I made it all up in my head, that this is not God’s grand plan for me after all?  Or, this IS God’s grand plan for me… to want something so much and be denied?
  • I can’t even keep a clean home… of course I’m not meant to be a parent.
  • I’m broken.  Broken is not rewarded.
  • Maybe Baby will be loved deeply and I’ll do the best by him/her that I/we can… that’ll be enough and good, right?
  • It’s not just my house that’s a mess… clearly my brain is in on it too.

Is it September 22nd yet?


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