One more wake-up.
I feel like my foot has been hovering in the air, mid-step, for an eon.
And this is just how it feels building up to the appointment to find out if the path we want is the path we can have.
Partner and I had counseling last night. That was probably one of the best ideas I’ve had for a while. It’s not so much that we’re talking IN counseling, but knowing we’re going to anyway is a catalyst for just getting on with it on our own, in our own place. I get frustrated with the therapist, she does not really have a good grasp of what my condition and personality is, but there’s value in her advice.
Between couple’s counseling and my ongoing personal sessions, yesterday was a tough row to hoe. The root of my anxiety is that I never really learned how to live in the middle ground. I don’t know that I CAN. I feel EVERYTHING, and I feel it 10x bigger, better, badder. Living in the middle of the highs and lows has meant stuffing (literally) the emotions and actions/reactions I’m inclined too. But I learned early on, the “over the top” personality is socially unacceptable, unhealthy. Too, I’m an introvert- so I’m immediately at odds with myself in addition to societal expectations.
All this is to say that I was amused, and outright frustrated, by last night’s counselor advice to (again) live in the moment, enjoy the build up, and go into tomorrow’s appointment with no expectations. Go into tomorrow’s appointment with a listening heart and wrap our minds around what the professionals tell us.
The trouble is… HOPE. Hope is one of these things I struggle with because, as I said, I feel everything 10x more than what I (maybe?) should. HOPE turns into dreams and those dreams become expectations no matter how much I remind myself to live in the moment, not get my “hopes up.” Partner, my counselor, our counselor, even myself… we’re trying to manage the expectations I’ve built up in my head, just in case. Just in case of WHAT? Just in case I’m told I have to wait longer than I’ve imagined. Just in case we’re told what we HOPE will be our path forward can’t happen after all. Just in case I need to lose more weight first. Just in case…
But, the HOPE has taken root. I love the heady feeling of it, the bounce it gives my soul and the color it gives the world around me. I can’t find the middle ground.
Too, this is only an appointment to speak with the doctor about our options and (HOPEfully) chart our way forward. How am I going to cope with HOPE when I’m actually preparing for an IUI … when I get the positive… when I get the negative… when things go wrong… when things go right?!
One more. Just one more. I can do this and I can breathe. I can be in the moment.
One more wake-up. Then the clock starts again.