Angels and Demons

It’s been five days since our green light showed up.  Give or take a few hours.  My head is full and I’m walking a delicate line of unabashed HOPE and frozen fear.  Angels on my shoulders, demons in my shadow.

My angels are many.  We have benefactors who are making this way forward a reality.  People we’ll never be able to repay but who I’ll be grateful to no matter what.  I have angels that are praying for me, us, even though they have no idea what is they’re praying for.  I think of our SRM doctor as an angel for seeing past my current weight to what’s deeper and more meaningful.  Partner is an angel, he’s put aside so much ego (or potential ego) to give us this chance.  Then, too, there’s God…  that’s the ultimate angel, right?  The select friends who listen to me, a workplace that is preparing an updated maternity leave policy even though they don’t really know why, families who are supportive of big Maybe Baby dreams… So very many angels.

The demons are here too though.  They’re lurking and I’m trying not to give them much energy.  They are made of the stuff of “what if” and undefined fear.  Is it safe to even mention those things?  What if…  What if…  I don’t even want to think about the what if.

We’re still waiting for about half of my blood test results to come back.  So far all the results are positive and I had no reason to think otherwise.  I don’t have any hepatitis forms, I’m immune to rubella, my thyroid is working well they report…  The one I really want to have back is the CMV (cytomegalovirus), knowing if I’m positive or negative for this antibody will significantly impact the number of donors we can pick from.  Partner had a shock, finding out that his blood type was different than he believed all of these years but his error made the pool of potential donors bigger.

I suppose it’s safe to say that one of my demons is named Impatience. This one does not live in the shadows so much as it does walk on my heels.  I’m impatient to begin looking for a donor.  But I knew that this two weeks would be full and there would not be time to give the process, Partner is very busy at the moment with work and other obligations.  There will be plenty of time after this space of time passes.  It’s just exciting and hard to wait.  I admit, I’ve been peeking since I know what Partner’s basic parameters are.

We have couple’s counseling tonight.  I think this will be our last visit for a few weeks while things percolate.  It’s felt so good to be on the same page as Partner in the last two weeks and I think we can handle donor selection without much argument– I feel like it’s most fair that he have the final say.  There’s hurdles to come though. I know that Partner and I already feel differently about what family will know and when; what Maybe Baby will know and when.  Blessedly, one of the pre-insemination check list items is an appointment with a social worker trained to guide and discuss these matters before we move forward.

So… my angels will keep me lifted up.  The demons are at bay.  I’m waiting for blood tests to come back, a referral to my preferred maternal-fetal medicine doctor to be delivered and an appointment to be set with her, for Partner’s obligations to be wrapped up, and a hundred other small details.  There’s plenty on my plate and I have not even mentioned dieting efforts and house cleaning!

Shit… dieting and house cleaning.  Maybe those go in the demon section?



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