Que the music.

It’s the circle of life
And it moves us all
Through despair and hope
Through faith and love
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the circle
The circle of life ©

There is irony at work in my life these days.  Heartache to come.  And I’m not above using this shitty turn of events to bargain with God.

My cat, our cat, Lily.  We learned over the weekend that her weight loss over the summer was being caused by diminishing kidney function and high phosphorus levels in her system.  The treatments to help her will simply stress her (and us) out, not really extend her life meaningfully, and could trigger other illness.  So, we’ve elected, as a family, to let her go when we can see she’s done.  Right now she is generally okay, just thin and not perky.  But she’s never been perky.  The vet says as long as she is eating and drinking, we’re okay.

I’m planning for the passing of my beloved Lily.  Even while I’m preparing to start a new life.

My internet history list is a study in contrasts now.  The death of a pet.  Welcoming an infant.  Cremation options.  Sperm donor check lists.  Euthanasia.  Fertility treatments.

I love Lily, deeply.  I found her on Petfinder.com and drove 30 miles to meet her.  She was MINE.  I had to beat another family to get there as they wanted her and her twin brother too.  Lily’s litter mate, Rory, claimed me while I was waiting for Lily’s final shots and I came home with two of them.  We called them “The Girlfriends.”  They’re litter mates, but totally different cats.  Lily is and has always been the Empress personality.  Rory is kind of the kid sister that likes to poke and get a reaction.  Lily has always guarded me.  I envisioned her resting her head on my growing belly and watching over our baby.  But that won’t be.

If I have to say goodbye to my Lily, now, then- God… I want a bargain that we’ll have a new heartbeat to cherish in our life.  A little one who we can tell stories of Lily to, share pictures of Lily with.  A child that will surprise us when they say they know the cat who was, the cat that was with them before their soul was sent to the body in front of us… the cat who walked with them in the other place they lived before they were alive.

I love you Lily.  I love you Maybe Baby.

Opening your heart to love can hurt in so very many ways.

lily

 

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