I’ve heard of nursing homes for the elderly and infirm called “God’s Waiting Room.” I feel like I’m there now, in God’s Waiting Room. My cat is still here, she’s having a good few days… I love when she cuddles voluntarily. But, I’m waiting for God’s moment when S/He says it’s time for Lily to go. I’m in God’s Waiting Room, anticipating the next appointment to come, worrying if THAT will be the moment God reveals it’s all a big ball of nothing and we won’t be able to move forward after all.
I despise that because of choices I made in my past, the medical community now has utmost control of my reproductive future. As supportive as our doctor at Seattle Reproductive Medicine has been, there always seems to be another potential bomb waiting for us… for me. A person who’s advocacy or lack of will make or break this dream. Never mind the actual “getting pregnant” part.
We’ve come through a lot to get where we are, I know that. And really, when I don’t let the anxiety talk, we’re on a good path. Yet there are large unknowns at this point that are scaring me and making me worry. And I’m forced to wait. Dates on the calendar looming large.
I finally got the bull by the horns and called the maternal-fetal medicine office myself. They were supposed to call me but didn’t. I am required by SRM to have a pre-conception consultation with the MFM (high risk OB) of my choice as one of the steps to doing an IUI next month. Naturally, I was anxious to get that scheduled. It’s not surprising that, after a week of waiting for the referral, my appointment will be yet another two weeks out… October 21. I’m in God’s Waiting Room then. I can’t do anything but let time tick. I’m scared that in this two hour consultation someone will decide that I’m not worth helping. That I’m too old and too fat. That they have the power to shut down this dream because I don’t fit into a statistically ideal box. I already jumped a similar mountain with SRM. Now I feel like I am in God’s Waiting Room, preparing to perform another trick jump for this doctor team. I can practice while I wait– exercise and diet, meditate… But I’m still anxious.
In a pleasant twist of events, it happens that the day of this new appointment, October 21, it’s a Friday and so Partner will be able to attend with me. That’ll feel nice.
So, time is ticking, but it IS moving. I must remember that. The evidence is all around me. The trees are starting to drop their leaves and the colors are getting more bold by the day. The days are getting shorter, I’ve had to turn on extra lights in my office and we gave in and kicked on the heaters. Also, in the spirit of too much information, my period appears to have started today (or is really trying to)… so that means that today or tomorrow starts a new cycle count and it will be my last four weeks of having no hope of being pregnant. Roughly four weeks from now, all these doctor appointments and consultations will have been done and “passed” (thinking positive); four weeks from now a donor will have been picked; four weeks from now we’ll be placing the order; four weeks from now I’ll be daydreaming that it’ll be the last period I have for a good long while. Four weeks from now, I’ll be here and telling you again that I’m trying so hard not to let the HOPE crush me.
Four weeks from now the clock will still be ticking and I’ll still be in God’s Waiting Room.