I have… issues.

It’s been growing all weekend; this ball of anxiety and sadness that won’t be named.  I can’t find the source.  When I can’t find the source, there is no treatment for it.  When you have a tooth ache, you either give it antibiotics, fill the hole, extract the root, or pull the tooth.  I can’t even figure out what tooth is hurting.

But, I’m hurting. And uneasy, nervous, sad.

Anxiety is gnawing at me and I want it to go back to it’s hole and stay there.  I put a light into this fucking cave and made the bastard shrink, so what is feeding it now?  For God’s sake, Anxiety, please leave me be.  All of this is hard enough without you to crawl out and color the proceedings too!

One thing this two years has taught me, when I’m not honest with myself, usually that’s when my mind is busy feeding the anxiety.  So, what am I not being honest with myself about?

I’m afraid.  I’m desperate.  I’m disappointed.  I’m impatient.  I’m jealous.  HOPE was so strong, but it’s shrinking.  Are these the points of dishonesty, where I’m not honoring myself?  The peace that comes when I write them down seems to say that I’ve found the tooth.  It’s the same one as usual, or maybe I will quantify it not as “the tooth” but “the teeth.”  God, they’re sharp.

I see a therapist weekly.  I’m not supposed to give these negative ideas power.  I’m supposed to engage in self-care.  I feel like I’m supposed to lie about how I really feel and I’ve been feeling this way for more than a week now.  If I lie, my counselor doesn’t challenge me and I don’t feel more stupid for feeling this way.  If I lie, I don’t make Partner feel guilty that he has no swimmers, I don’t make family feel bad for moving on with THEIR lives (babies being on the way), I don’t give my coworkers reason to question my time used… If I lie, everyone feels better– except me.

Why does my brain have to work this way?

Okay, so I’m afraid, desperate, disappointed, impatient and jealous.  What’s the situational source(s) feeding this bullshit, now?  Afraid:  I have to jump another hurdle and see a High Risk OB = afraid that they’ll somehow derail a November IUI.  Desperate: I am supposed to be losing weight and I can’t keep my mouth away from junk, make my feet walk and move my ass = this will derail a November IUI and/or be the reason I can’t conceive.  Disappointed: I can’t have a baby with Partner and that makes me more sad than I realized = it’s not just about sex, intimacy comes many ways, our baby (and it WILL be our baby) won’t be the baby I conceived of in my mind.  Disappointed (further): that looking at sperm donor profiles makes me feel like I’m CHEATING on Partner = any fun that might be had is fading.  Impatient: So much hurry up and wait = too much time to think and worry.  Jealous:  helping to plan my sister-in-law’s baby shower, watching a cousin take final photos before she goes in to be induced, seeing my own niece posting pictures of herself gestating a baby for another couple (and that’s a whole other post), preparing myself for the expectation that I’ll be present at two births in the month of December = poking at my wounds, perhaps unnecessarily.

I SHOULD just be grateful and shut up.  SRM has agreed to help with some minor caveats, generous family members are lined up to help us do this financially at the front end, tests are clean and look positive for me, friends and close family are rooting for us…  I should have heaps and gobs of HOPE.  I should be positively dripping with HOPE.  I’m getting farther into this than some folks, I’m farther into it than I was ever allowed to go before.

The worst part of it is… I’m worried that when I pop in here on December 25 and say that my Christmas present is a positive pregnancy test, I’ll just feel like an asshat for having been so negative this whole time– rather than excited that wishes might come true.

How do I apologize to myself and make this better?

How do I put the anxiety back in the cave and live in the light again?  I was doing so well…

 

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