Timing is everything.

This is one bit of conventional wisdom that isn’t a lie.

I’ve fucked myself, royally, I’m afraid and while I wait for phone calls to help me (or not)… all I can do is expel my anxiety by writing.

There’s a checklist of things that have to be done for a “Therapeutic Donor Insemination”.  We went over them with the coordinator last month.  I thought I had it all in hand and that I knew the timing.  Do the coordination consult, do the blood work, do the maternal-fetal medicine consult, get consents, have psychological counseling, pick a donor, buy the samples and prepare for them to be shipped by completing yet more paperwork, start your period, tell the TDI coordinator that your cycle started and have the samples shipped.

I was wrong.  “Your donor sperm sample MUST be at SRM BEFORE your menstrual cycle day 1…”

I live and die by rules… I’m a rule follower.  When the form says “must”… I get it done.

HOW did I fuck this up?  Was it self-sabotage?

I’ve sent an email off to the team… begging for a phone call and some grace.  “MUST be at SRM BEFORE…”

Please phone, ring.  Just ring.  Please, call me now…

I’m so mad at myself.  HOW could I fuck this up?  Just last night we were talking about how this could be my last period for a while.  I was thinking that it’ll be easier to face sister-in-law’s baby shower this weekend knowing that in a few short days we’ll finally have a real chance at our own little Sprout.

It’s not the end of the world if I have to wait until December… I’m just angry.  SO very angry at myself for thinking I was all pulled together and I wasn’t really.  I know I can use the time constructively.  I know that I can keep waiting… I’ve waited this long already.

I’M JUST SO FUCKING MAD THAT I SCREWED THIS UP!!!!!!!!

I want a hug, I want someone to tell me it’ll be fine, they’ll allow it… I want assurances that no one can give me in this moment.

In my line of work, “MUST” is a real thing.  I’ve had to turn people, kids and adults, away from events because they missed “MUST.”  I give grace where I can.  And I sympathize with them.  I do… but sometimes “MUST” has to be enforced in my work.

Oh for fuck’s sake… please phone, ring.

 

*** Edited to add… no dice.  My November IUI is now a December IUI.  I’m trying to find God in this, be Polly Anna.  It’s just hard and hurts.

 

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