Mishmash jibber jabber.

I’ve been trying so hard, honestly, to be “good” these days since the IUI.  Honestly, it’s getting harder and harder to keep on even keel and go through the days like a normal person. I hibernated all weekend.  On the good side, I was able to keep anxiety largely at bay, and I didn’t actually sleep the days away.  I started a crochet project and enjoyed some quality time with Partner.

On Friday, I felt like poop.  I woke up stuffy headed, very unhappy guts, super tired and crampy all day.  I at once welcome all these things, but I will admit that I had moments of trepidation during the day where I wondered what I’d done to myself if this was even a pale comparison to what pregnancy might be like.  As Friday wore on and turned into Saturday, I felt better.  The cramping picked up a bit in the mid-morning hours, some definite “ouch!” moments… since then it’s all gone away.  I have a general dull ache in the nether regions, but not like it had been earlier in the week.  Right now, I want the Friday feelings to come back.

You see, as long as there are these random “symptoms,” I am justified in my hope.  I suppose that, the nature of early pregnancy being what it is, I’m justified anyway… but with tangible signs, I feel better to keep on feeling hopeful.  If my boobs hurt, my uterus aches, dreams are weird, odd tastes in my mouth happen, tears start out of nothing, temper flares… these things are all HOPE to me right now.

So, I’m once again at a cross purpose with Hope and Pragmatism.  Hope keeps me looking for signs that allow me to be secure that I’m still “in play.”  Pragmatism has me reaching for the feeling of being okay with not being in control and enjoying the wind in my hair as I am shuffled around in the scheme of God/dess/Universe.

Lord, I don’t even know where this post is GOING.  I’m just a mishmash of feelings, fear, hope (fucking hope), and I can’t even articulate what I want to… NEED to.

I want to make deals with God.  I want to wrap up in a blanket fort and not come out until I can test.  I don’t want to test for fear that it will be negative.  I want the days to fly by. I want the days to stand still so that I can always live in this Hope.  I want someone to say “Yes! I felt that way too!”  I want to just KNOW.

When I was young, I fancied myself highly intuitive and gifted with some amount of psychic ability.  I read tarot cards for a living, for a short while, in my young adult years…  I gave it up because while I could be right for others, I was never right for me.  Intuition says that this IS it.  That God put all this in motion and I can relax, it’ll BE.  Then, I remember, my intuition for myself sucks… it gets mixed up with Hope.  Yeah, God’s got all this in motion and His plans are running… but sometimes, God says, “No.”  I have to be okay with that outcome too.  I MUST.  It’s not what I hope, but it’s His way.

If this isn’t our month, we have two more tries in the bank.

In all my adulthood, as near as I can tell with this information we know now, this may be my first REAL chance at conceiving.  Maybe, “I got pregnant the first time!” will be my story after all…

Then again…  we tell ourselves lots of lies and falsehoods in the name of hope and making our lives make sense.

Fuck, I need to cheer up and get back to enjoying this ride.



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