Letters to the Editor, part IV.

Dearest Sprout:

Your Daddy has started to call you Little Bit, a name we used to call you before Groot came into our lives.  Forgive me if I change your name from here on out.  I want Daddy to be comfortable with what we call you until you have your forever name.

The calendar says that you are the size of an orange seed now, that your heart is forming and may even start beating this week.  Me, I’m having a hard time believing you’re in there!  I keep taking pregnancy tests to prove to myself you’re real… but I think when I can SEE you, that’s when I’ll feel better.

The thing is, Sprout, this worry is just the beginning- are you really there, are you growing right, are you healthy.  I’m going to worry over you until I leave this earth.  I suppose we both better get used to it!  It’s my way of loving you.  I just don’t want to smother you when you’re out in the world and growing with your face in the sun.  If I do that, the sun will be hidden from you and my worry could hurt you, and love should not hurt that way.  I promise I’ll work on it.  I’ll get it right some days, wrong on other days, but you’ll always know that it’s part of how I love you.

There are twelve more wake ups before Daddy and I get to see you.  I will have an ultrasound done that day and we will have the first picture of you to hold and share at Christmas.  You’ll have lots of pictures made before you’re ever born, it’s one of the wonderful things being alive in this age can offer.

I hope I’m doing all the right things for you.  I’m taking a pre-natal vitamin every day, it has lots of folic acid in it to give your tiny brain a good boost at growing.  I’m eating extra calcium to help you make strong bones.  I’m taking my anxiety medicine every day, so that I stay calm and happy, which will hopefully help you be calm and happy.  I’m even taking Vitamin D, which I always do, but it helps you too.  I don’t want to eat very much, but when I do I’m trying to eat vegetables and quinoa, oatmeal, fruit, healthy meats.  Nuts and dried fruit are on the menu too.  I’ve even given up drinking regular coffee!  This is a big deal!  Though, I gave in a few days ago and had one cup of the “real” stuff with caffeine in it.  I should be getting out of the house and walking more, but baby it’s COLD outside!  We’ve had ice the last few days and we expect snow tonight.  Also, all these changes in my body makes me super tired.  Just working at my desk makes me sleepy!  I’m happy to be tired though, I know that it’s my body working on growing you!

I’ve started to look at photos of other women my size who were pregnant too, imagining what I will look like in the months I’m keeping you warm in my tummy.  I have found some cute clothes for me to wear when you get bigger inside me.  I looked at bassinets and cribs that will hold you when you’re not in my arms or Daddy’s.  I took a peek at some clothes you might wear when you come home from the hospital.

You’re just the size of an orange seed right now, remember, but you’re already so big in my heart.  There’s a lot to worry about, will you keep growing and can I keep you, are you healthy and the tests they’ll do to make sure… but in between all of that, on top of it even, is this deep joy that YOU ARE IN THERE.  You’re real.  Love made you and it will sustain you.  It will sustain me.  You and me babe, we’re together and Daddy’s got us.  And God has us all.

Keep growing.  Be healthy and strong.  We’ll see you in twelve days.

 

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