My righteous indignation seems to have faded. Lies are less a part of my mindscape, truths and truths to come are taking over. I’ve said before, I think, that this advent of pregnancy for me has been humbling. I’m a bit lost, floating in joy for the knowledge of this wholly unexpected gift inside me… weighted down by the years of anger I carried that I don’t know how to honor, but let go of. I’m trying to balance worry for the life inside me with acts of faith… when I’m thinking too much about miscarriage or genetic tests to come or complications, I counter it by buying “the books” that everyone recommends, looking at the images of “your baby this week,” dreaming about names. I’m busy trying to wrap the reality of this pregnancy into my daily routine, normalizing it as just another part of me for the time being. After all, I have nine long months ahead of me, I can’t carry on like Little Bit is the only thing happening!
But really… what now? Honor the anger and falsehoods that ruled me for so long, but do it so as to let it go. That seems like the right path forward. I’m reveling in the first blushes of morning sickness, but still so frustrated that lies kept me from this feeling for so long! And make no mistake… it WAS lies. Or, at least, poor doctoring. The lies I’ve talked about are also still true for so many couples, just because I did finally fall pregnant “the first time” does not generally apply and infertility, a life childless-not-by-choice, is a devastating reality for too many families.
Do I honor that path by continuing to talk about it? Shedding light into the unspoken, taboo, world of infertility? Reminding people that just because we hear something so often, does not mean it’s true?
I’m not sure.
I also feel the first stirrings of a new wave of lies to combat… maybe that’s where my energy should go? I will have fat stigma following me this whole journey. Fortunately, there’s an army of women writers who advocate and research already done that I can point to and remind my doctors not to be douche bags with. But sharing that part could be helpful to someone else down the line, as maybe my path so far has been or will be?
There’s a lot to be worked up about in this world… so very much. But I remind myself again that I have to be balanced. Use injustice wisely to fuel the fire of change, yet remember that I have a Sprout in me that also really needs me to be relaxed and comfortable as possible to grow healthy and strong.
I suppose the “what now” will be answered in time, I’ll find my way as I always do. Expect the unexpected and soldier on.